If you’ve ever found yourself in relationships that felt unbalanced, especially when it comes to attachment, you may eventually realize something surprising: the very traits you disliked in your partner may also live within you. And they’re yours to heal.

This realization can feel strange, even unsettling—particularly if you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse or other forms of trauma. But as you rewire your nervous system and move toward healthier connections, you may notice something unexpected: your own avoidance of intimacy, or even traces of narcissism.

Why We Choose the Partners We Do

The truth is, we rarely choose partners logically. Instead, our bodies—our nervous systems—signal what feels “right.” Unfortunately, what feels right isn’t always healthy.

If you grew up in an environment where love felt scarce, unpredictable, or overwhelming, your system will seek out what’s familiar. Without realizing it, you may find yourself recreating those dynamics in adult relationships.

That’s why abusive or unbalanced situations can feel oddly safe. They echo the patterns you’ve known since childhood. Over time, your relationships begin to mirror experiences you’ve already lived through.

The Roots of Attachment

Both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are insecure styles. They stem from the same source: caregivers who couldn’t provide a secure sense of connection.

• Avoidant attachment develops when a child decides love is unreliable or unsafe. They train themselves to live without it, distrusting closeness.

• Anxious attachment develops when love feels inconsistent or “too little.” Instead of rejecting it, they cling tightly, fearing abandonment.

Imagine two people sharing a single piece of food that isn’t enough—or isn’t very satisfying. One might say, ‘I don’t need it, I can go without’ (avoidant). The other might say, ‘It’s too little, or not even that good, but I need it—so I’ll cling to it’ (anxious). Both are simply different ways of coping with the same reality: just like food in this example, love in childhood may have felt scarce, uncertain, or unsafe.

This is why avoidant and anxious types often attract each other. The avoidant replays childhood scripts of withholding love, while the anxious person unconsciously feels trained to chase it. Both dream of perfect love, yet their dynamic often becomes toxic.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Here’s the paradox: anxious and avoidant attachment are opposites, yet deeply connected.

• Avoidants dislike anxious types—but are secretly drawn to their intensity.

• Anxious types fear avoidants—but are secretly drawn to their distance.

At the core, both are strategies to manage insecurity around closeness. One avoids love. The other clings to it. Neither has truly experienced stable, unconditional love.

Signs of Transformation

As you begin healing your attachment wounds, something shifts:

• You rely less on instinct and chemistry, and more on conscious choice.

• You start attracting partners who feel unfamiliar—calmer, more stable, less dramatic.

• This new kind of love might feel strange, even uncomfortable, because your system isn’t used to it.

And here’s something even more surprising: you may start to experience the opposite of your usual attachment style.

• If you were anxiously attached, you may notice avoidant tendencies.

• If you were avoidant, you may feel anxiety around real intimacy.

This role reversal can feel disorienting, but it’s actually a sign of growth. It shows you’re expanding your capacity to relate in new ways.

Navigating the Transition

When this happens, remember:

1. Trust logic more than instinct. Instincts are rooted in old wounds, not present reality.

2. Expect discomfort. Your nervous system may resist the unfamiliar, even if it’s healthier.

   • Anxious types may feel the urge to run.

   • Avoidant types may feel the urge to cling.

3. Stay curious. Instead of reacting, pause and ask: Is this discomfort a sign of danger—or simply the unfamiliarity of something safe?

You may not recognize yourself at first, but that’s the point. You’re no longer repeating the old script.

The Bigger Truth

At their core, both anxious and avoidant types share the same wound: never having experienced stable, secure love. They’ve invested so much energy in chasing or running that they’ve missed love in its balanced, steady form.

That’s why, for someone healing from anxious attachment, secure love may initially feel flat. 
And for someone healing from avoidant attachment, secure love may feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

But this is the gateway. Healing isn’t about finding perfect love—it’s about learning to stay with the love that feels steady, safe, and real.

The takeaway: Healing your attachment style means unlearning what feels “normal” and opening yourself to what feels new. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also the path to the love you’ve always deserved.