The instinct to help others is deeply ingrained in human nature.

This is particularly true for those who are empathetic, as they can feel other people's emotions and find joy in seeing the happiness of those around them.

It is also true for those in service-oriented roles, such as coaching. Our purpose is rooted in facilitating change and helping people move closer to their fulfillment.

There's a caveat to the equation. Let’s explore the shadow side of wanting to help and the subconscious patterns that can undermine our best intentions.

People-Pleasing

The subconscious mask of people-pleasing is one of the most common ways we are conditioned to find our inherent value—by putting others first and deriving our sense of self-worth from how much we support others.

Both men and women experience this, though societal conditioning often makes it more ingrained in women, who are frequently expected to serve as caregivers and nurturers.

The trap of people-pleasing is deceptive. It is a subtle way of seeking approval and recognition by making ourselves indispensable to others. It is an unconscious attempt to gain the love we need for survival. Though well-intentioned, it is ultimately ego-centered and a subconscious trap.

As a result, we become frustrated when we fail to make an impact on others or when they do not listen to us—we feel like failures.

Another hidden aspect of people-pleasing is the belief that others' well-being is more important than our own—that we can endure hardships while others cannot. However, we must recognize that we are neither above nor below anyone else. We are all unique, special in our own way.

Misplaced Responsibility

It is essential to remember that while we can offer help, guidance, and wisdom, it is ultimately up to the other person to decide whether they accept it or not.

If we do not respect this and feel like failures when someone does not embrace our help, we fall into another trap—one of control and misplaced responsibility.

Each person is on their own journey, operating at their own level of awareness. No one can impose change upon another unless that person accepts it, consciously or unconsciously. Likewise, no one can be forced into a victim role unless they allow it to happen.

True self-responsibility means recognizing that each individual has full control over their own evolution.

So, to those of us with a coaching mindset—relax. It’s not ultimately up to you. You can extend a helping hand, but it is up to the other person to accept it or not.

Imposing Our Personal Values

One of the biggest traps when trying to help others is assuming we know what’s best for them. We believe that if only they could see things our way, their lives would improve. However, this mindset is a form of interference—it imposes our personal values onto someone else’s journey.

Even if our values align with universal truths, they remain our own perspective and the result of our journey. By attempting to change someone “for their own good,” we unintentionally rob them of the experiences they need, which are specifically applicable to them. Life is meant to be lived through personal discovery, with all its joys and challenges.

It is especially difficult to accept this when we see people struggling due to a lack of self-awareness. We might think, "If only they could see things from a different perspective!" But this is yet another trap.

The Beauty of Free Will and Self-Responsibility

Nature has given us the gift of free will, allowing us to choose how to navigate our lives. Without it, the journey wouldn’t truly be our own.

In the end, we are all responsible for our own inner worlds. This is both the greatest opportunity and challenge of life. No one can force change upon us—only we can allow it.

Self-awareness is key in this because many times we are unconscious of our behavior. We act through subconscious masks and mechanisms, or we live through a victim mentality, thinking that we have no agency in this world and are merely the result of the injustices happening around us.

This could not be further from the truth.

The best thing we can do for others is to accept them where they are, honor their freedom of choice, and show them compassion and kindness, regardless of their level of awareness.

The Best Way to Inspire Change

Ultimately, the most powerful way to impact others is by embodying our best selves. Think about it—some of the most inspiring figures in history didn’t force their wisdom on others. They simply were—radiating an energy so strong that people felt inspired in their presence.

When we reach a good level of self-actualization, we naturally uplift those around us. Our presence alone can transform lives, without any effort or persuasion. Even after their passing, individuals who mastered themselves leave behind an energy that continues to inspire others.

For those of us who want to create a positive impact in the world, the key is to focus on ourselves first. Strive to become the best version of yourself—not by forcing change, but by being. And in doing so, you will inspire more transformation than you ever could through direct intervention.

So, let’s lead by example, honor free will, and trust that the best way to help others is simply to be our highest, most authentic selves.