The Right to Exist
BLOGGING AWAY
The Right to Exist
30.04.2026
We take it for granted because we assume everyone has it.
But what if you grew up in a household where—because of your sensitivity, your wiring, or simply the way the people around you behaved—you never truly felt like you had the right to breathe, to take up space, or to exist?
I used to live like that.
I learned to make myself small. Not because I wanted to, but because, somewhere along the way, I was taught that I was small, and I believed it. So I became quieter, more invisible, more contained. The goal was simple: don’t be a nuisance. Don’t create problems. Don’t create tension. Don’t make life harder for anyone else.
Just… disappear enough to be acceptable.
And I’m not alone in this.
Women, especially, have perfected this quiet art of self-erasure over centuries. Becoming soft to the point of disappearance. Accommodating to the point of exhaustion. Making sure everyone else is comfortable, even if it means abandoning themselves.
They silence their voices as if they never truly had the right to one. They soften their presence until they almost feel like ghosts, minimizing what they do, what they feel, and what they need. Doing everything—and making it seem like nothing. Walking on eggshells, constantly anticipating other people’s moods and desires.
Recently, I saw this pattern again, and it struck me.
A young woman who was so hesitant—almost afraid of breathing too loudly, as if even her presence might be too much. She apologized constantly for things that required no apology. She was driven by fear; by self-abnegation.
And I thought: this is the perfect condition for control.
Because it’s easy to manipulate someone who believes they are a burden—someone who feels they must earn their right to exist.
I reassured her, told her she was safe, and that there was nothing to worry about. In her, I saw a younger version of myself—the version that believed being overly humble, agreeable, and invisible made me more likable. Easier to accept. I didn’t realize back then that this isn’t openness; it’s self-abandonment.
Then I saw it again.
A friend, trying to “fit in,” becoming anxious in her effort to help. It was as if her value depended entirely on how useful she could be to others—because without that, she might not have value at all.
The same pattern: abandoning the self in order to be accepted. Giving up presence in exchange for belonging.
And that’s when it became clear: this isn’t softness or kindness, and it certainly isn’t empowerment. It’s the absence of self. It is a pattern passed down, reinforced over generations, where being small, quiet, and self-sacrificing became the safest way to exist.
And the result?
Brilliant, kind, sensitive human beings who don’t feel they have the right to be.
There’s a quiet sadness in witnessing that, both in others and in the parts of yourself that once lived the same way.
So if you recognize yourself in this, hear this clearly:
You have the right to exist.
You have the right to breathe the same air as everyone else.
To take up space.
To have a voice—your own—and to use it.
To express your opinions, your desires, and your boundaries.
To say "yes" when you mean yes, and "no" when you mean no.
You don’t have to shape yourself into something more acceptable.
You don’t have to earn your place here.
Your existence is not something you need to justify, nor is it a burden to the world—it is a gift you bring to it, the moment you start being exactly who you are.
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Anywhere in the world
Contact
hello@valeriafontana.com
Subconscious Mind Coach
