Is it narcissism or an avoidant attachment style? Will you ever know with certainty? And even if you could, does it make a difference?

When we find ourselves entangled with these kinds of personalities or attachment styles, the real lesson isn’t about fixing the relationship, fixing them, or even fixing yourself.
It’s about bringing the focus back to you.

The reason you allow certain circumstances in your life is that, at some point, you neglected your own needs. The lesson, then, is about being able to look at yourself honestly and see where that self-abandonment began—and why.

Whenever you stay with someone who doesn’t show love—or can’t love you consistently in the way you know is right for you, it means you’ve been prioritizing something else above your well-being. Otherwise, you wouldn’t still be there.

The ability to love unconditionally is beautiful. But why stay in a relationship that feels like a one-way street? Don’t you also desire to be loved? Isn’t that the baseline of any mutual relationship?

We often believe we should love others unconditionally because that’s how we want to be loved. But there are always conditions under which we consciously (or unconsciously) choose our partners.

Sometimes the choice is shaped by our subconscious programming, and other times by karmic lessons or growth opportunities—often by both. Relationships are, after all, some of the most challenging experiences we encounter—and often the ones with the greatest potential for transformation.

So how do we untangle ourselves emotionally from situations that are not aligned with us? Where is the line between healthy growth and unhealthy entrapment?

There’s no universal answer.
You are the judge.

Still, let me ask you this: is the point of a relationship to redeem another person—or is it to experience love in a healthy, mutual way, both growing? And do you realize that you cannot redeem or change anyone? That’s their work, not yours.

If you think that by showing them your goodness, or by waiting for them to see their shortcomings, you’ll eventually be loved the way you deserve—you are giving away your power. Love doesn’t arrive when someone else “gets it.” It begins with you.

Also, consider this.

You don’t need a relationship to be whole.
You don’t need love from another to be complete.

If you feel you do, pause.

Ask yourself: is this “love” actually covering up insecurity, fear, or old childhood wounds that are still waiting for your attention?

Because here’s the thing: you are solely responsible for giving yourself the love you seek.

That yearning inside isn’t for someone else—it’s for your own presence, your own care, your own love. If you expect it from another, it will only lead to disappointment.

So let’s bring the focus back, once again, to you.

Why are you making yourself available for someone who doesn’t consistently show up? Why tolerate love that feels conditional, inconsistent, or performative?

You can spend endless hours researching narcissism versus avoidant attachment, but ultimately, that search can distract you from the one thing that truly matters—the thing you might actually be avoiding: yourself.

What You Can Do

The most important step is to bring the focus back to how you feel in the relationship, rather than getting stuck on labels. Whether the person is narcissistic, avoidant, or something else entirely, what matters is the effect the relationship has on you.

One of the most powerful ways to gain clarity is by asking yourself honest questions. These aren’t about diagnosing them—they’re about tuning into your own body, intuition, and lived experience:

• Do you feel loved in a way that feels genuine and nourishing to you?

• Does the relationship feel mutual, with give and take, or do you find yourself doing most of the emotional labor?

• Is it always about them—their needs, their narrative, their world?

• Do they respect your boundaries, or do they push, test, or punish you for having them?

• Do they attune to your emotions, or do they dismiss, shut down, or gaslight?

• Do you feel safe, grounded, and relaxed around them—or anxious and on edge?

• Do they show up consistently, or do they withdraw and become unavailable when intimacy deepens?

• Do they share their inner world—fears, hopes, vulnerabilities—or do they keep you at arm’s length?

• When conflict arises, do they make an effort to repair and reconnect, or do they avoid, stonewall, or disappear?

And then, ask yourself the harder questions:
Why do you stay? Does this relationship give you a sense of worth you struggle to create alone? Does it feel safer than being alone? Does the “good side” of them keep you hooked, even when the bad outweighs it?

Closing Thoughts

So does it matter whether the person you’re with or dating is a narcissist or avoidant? Not really. Because the deeper truth is that the label changes nothing about what you feel, what you tolerate, and what you deserve.

The question is not, ‘Are they narcissistic or avoidant?
The real question is: Why are you there, and what does that say about your relationship with yourself?

When you turn inward and start choosing yourself fully—your truth, your wholeness, your love—you’ll stop worrying about whether someone else is avoidant, narcissistic, or anything in between.

Because at that point, the only thing that matters is this:
Does this relationship honor me—or does it ask me to abandon myself?

And when you can answer that honestly, you’ll already know what to do.